THE LEGAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTEST 2019: A RUNNING ACCOUNT OF THE CONTESTANTS

To make sure that nobody is missed out I am keeping a running account of the entries to the contest.  All the new “creations” will be put on this post shortly after they are sent.

A REMINDER

You can read the rules here.

REMEMBER THE CLOSING DATE

10th December 2019 4.00 pm. (Personal service of documents by hand is not permitted).

 

THE ENTRIES

LUKE HEYWOOD

To the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’

Dashing to the Court
On a freezing winter’s day
Carrying bundles we fought
shivering all the way
Call the courts, we ring:
“The building is in sight,
Please will you stay open until 5pm tonight?”
Court bundles, Court bundles
Bundles all the way
Oh how good the planet would be
If we went paperless today (x2)
Now the bundle’s filed
And the PTR is near
Rest now for a while
We can go and get a beer (or 10)
Oh dear, its filed late,
Relief from sanctions please,
We beg don’t seal our fate,
Permit this claim with ease.

(((Miss_Shiv is a harpy)))

We three silks of Lincoln’s inn are
Bearing briefs we traverse afar
Trains delaying
Claims repaying
Declassified in the First car
Oh train of crowding,
train of blight
Train with short forms every night
Westward leading
Not proceeding
Signal failure shows red light

 

Max Schofield

Good Hale (Baroness) looked out

On the silks addressing

Points of constitutional law

And prorogation.

Brightly shone Lord Pannick’s line

Of argumentation;

Far more brusque was Aidan O’Neill

In his exhortation.

“Hither James ye respondee,

What of a declaration?”

Undertake the necessary steps:

the government’s observation.

Unanimous judgment

On the matters Brexit.

For the advice, to the Queen

Boris should get the credit.

 

Family Law Associates Ltd

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, before I write
An application to go to court
It takes much longer than I thought
No sleep for lawyers tonight
No sleep for lawyers tonight

Silent night, holy night
Papers lodged but there’s a fright
The Court has lost the documents
And paid the fee from our accounts
I wish they’d answer the phone
I wish they’d answer the phone

Sue Nash

To the tune of We Three Kings

 

We CLs of budgeting fame
Many might think it’s a bit of a game
Past and future
All that lucre
What was that costs judge name?
Oh, oh
Costs a-plenty , growing fast
Tying yourself to the Claimant’s mast
But it’s working
No more shirking
You’ve got it right at last!
Now it’s time for all those e-bills
Just ignore those Defendant shills
Replies are flowing
Costs keep growing
All thanks to your great skills
Oh, oh
Chorus
….. final verse
PA results just keep flowing in
Some you lose but many you win
Your job is sorted
Doubt is thwarted
Profit is not a sin!
Oh, oh
Chorus

 

Emma Rix

(To the tune of ‘Of the father’s heart begotten’)
Of the client’s need begotten –
Ere the claim began to be,
The LAA the Law had spoken –
Said it could no merit see.
And despite a long ap-e-e-eal
It was sadly clear to me:
Justice flowing from that fountain,
Only for the rich is she.

 

Charles Bagot QC

Once in Rupert Jackson’s inbox
Stood a lowly email chain
Where a mother laid her budget
With its phases full of costs
Disproportionate was its name
Jesus Christ how much incurred?
It came down to earth from heaven
So much gone now none at all
Estimated off the table
Hourly rates in free fall
With contingencies so lowly
Rupert was our saviour holy

Simon Mullings

We wish it to be double-sided
We wish it to be double-sided
We wish it to be double-sided Or your case we’ll not hear
So copy it double-sided So copy it double-sided
PD 32 27.15 Of the CPR
[no, YOU don’t scan]
For we all need it double-sided
Your bundle must be double-sided
The rules say double-sided
Or out on your ear
And we won’t hear it til we’ve got one
And we won’t hear it til we’ve got one
And we won’t sit til we’ve a bundle
compliant with CPR

 

SIMON HUNTER

Now there were once two sisters
But mummy loved one best,
And in the will Holly got some cash
And Ivy got the rest
Oh, the rising of the sun,
And the running of the deer,
As sure as day follows on from night
There’s a probate claim next year.

Our Holly bore a long grudge,
As sharp as any thorn;
And Ivy did reciprocate
So they’d not settle on the morn.
Oh, the rising of the sun,
And the running of the deer,
As sure as day follows on from night
There’s a probate claim next year.

 

KEIR BAKER

Last Christmas, we gave you R (Cart)
But the very next day, we dismissed R (Conway)
This year, To save you from fees,
We’ll hand down R (Unison)…

 

Frank Dillon

O little Crown Court robing room
How still we see thee lie.
While counsel weep and pipeworks seep
The endless months go by. Y
et as standards declineth
And courtrooms close outright,
The MOJ promotes decay
With platitudes so trite.
For “Christ knows when” is nary A proper way to list.
While judges sleep, the trial dates keep
Receding in the mist.
O bench and bar together
Proclaim the holy mess
And raise concerns, but no-one learns
And no-one could care less.

 

Simon Myerson QC

Ding dong ‘appening in Court On’t bench
‘is ‘onour’s sighing
Where’s the skeleton I sought
My order you’re defying.
Ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Ah ahahahah Ah ahahahahah
Your honour 12 hour days are old
Ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Ah ahahahah
Ah ahahahahah Your honour
Haven’t you been told?
E’en so I need your aid
The sentence that he faces
Is subject to provisions made
In 18 different places
Ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Ah ahahahah
Ah ahahahahah Your honour
The task is truly bleak Ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah Ah ahahahah
Ah ahahahahah If I start now
I’ll answer it by next week.

 

P.J. Kirby Q.C.

In the bleak midwinter
A frosty judge did moan
I stood and craved relief
His heart was hard as stone
Breaches had happened, breach on breach
Breaches on breach
In the bleak midwinter
Not long ago
What can I tell him
In breach or so they say?
If I was called Denton
I might find a way
If I was in person
Perhaps I’d have a chance
But as it is I’m buggered
Today’s not been my day

Nick Hanning

Once in Royal Courts of Justice
Stood a gutted paralegal
When relief from sanctions had been
Refused and the costs were evil
The claim’s service non-compliant
Soon be suing would the client
She looked down from bench to table
Who is judge of rules of court
Never wait to serve she declared
Lest your efforts do fall short
Read the blog by that barrister
So next time you will do better

 

Kerry Underwood

O little town of Bethlehem
We’ve closed your County Court
You must now walk to Lon-don For your case to be heard
Yet in the Comm-er-cial Court Judges sit there by the dozen
The wealth and greed of all the years
Are meeting there tonight
How silently, how silently
The Crown Courts now do stand
O Legal Aid – now it has gone
As have advice centres Justice too is nearly gone
Unless you own a bank
For the poor and mean and lowly-
Just f… off back to work

 

Simon Mullings

You’re
o o o o o ou’re o o o o o ou’re
o o o o o ou’re o o o o o ou’re
You’re no-o-ot allowed in there.
Those hearings are ex-parte.

 

Paula Ashton FCilex

On the 1st day of Christmas my boss gave to me a case about a hysterectomy. On the 2nd day of Christmas my boss gave to me 2 wrongful birth claims. On the 3rd day of Christmas my boss gave to me 3 CP cases On the 4th day of Christmas my boss gave to me 4 wonky knees…etc

🎄

Jenna Kisala

To the tune of the best Xmas song, Tim Minchin’s White Wine in the Sun:
I really like Budgets
It’s rather geeky, I know, but I just really like them
I am not arithmetic,
I’d rather break bread with Ginsberg than Gordon-Saker
To be honest
And yes, I have all of the usual objections
To reasonableness, the proportionality test applied rather oddly
To the arguments focused much too narrowly,
Cut and paste points that ignore reality.
But I still really like them.
I’m looking forward to budgets.
Though I’m not expecting a CMC for Xmas
I’ll be seeing a DJ, My draftsman and counsel,
my maths and my sums
They’ll be lining up for the costs fun.

 

Mel Clarke

Tune of Frosty the Snowman
Freezing injunctions are a tricky remedy
There’s a lot to do well before you troop to the good old QBD
Freezing injunctions – full of traps for you and me
Full and frank disclosure which, if breached, finds you charged with perjury
So what’s your cause of action, where’s the arguable case?
Without cross-undertakings you’ll have egg upon your face
O….
Freezing injunctions, try to get one of you can
Evidence of dissipation is not “I don’t trust that man
Balance those factors, balance those factors
Where’s convenience lie?
Balance those factors, balance those factors
Not with you this time!

Paul Gardener

Oh come Oh Come New Manual
Oh whether Accounts or Ethics or CPR
And ransom busy lawyers with few fees
Until the God of Sense once more appears.
Resign! Resign! Despairing Court Users
Shall come to thee a Cube inspection soon
O Come thou cost budgeting slave
The court shall strike down thy professed fair day’s fee
Thy spirit wains with each fee hour cut
Disperse the hopes of paying staff salaries
Give up! Give Up! A new Manual will come
Perhaps they’ll get it right in Kingdom come

 

Denise Broomfield: Bonallack and Bishop

( to be sung to the tune of Away in a Manger)

In hope of a hearing
No Court for my trial
I’ll bus it to Swindon
And wait for a while
My nose I am blowing
As I have a cold
And client could keel over
As he’s 90 years old.
The foyer is draughty
The usher awaits
But District Judge Williams**
No progress doth make
After another stewed coffee
The Usher calls time
So its back on the bus home
To a large glass of wine!

** With apologies to all District Judge Williams, I am sure they are all marvellous and super speedy and wouldn’t consider allowing a solicitor with a cold and a 90 year old to sit in a draughty foyer for hours

Hilary Wetherell: Irwin Mitchell

Hark the Claimant angels sing
The Discount Rate is fair – ker-ching!
The cash should last, it’s not a gesture
Prudence is the investor
It’s nowt to do with increased premiums
That’s the ABI taking through their medium
It’s all about getting fair compo
When they won’t agree a PPO
Roll on 2024
Then we can all debate some more
With apols for the poor scanning and that it is only one verse…it took hours

 

Patrick Lockerby 

On the 12th day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me

12 trial bundles

11 witness statements 10 case citations

9 blurry faxes

8 defence pleadings

7 listing schedules

6 Excel spreadsheets

5 forms to sign

4 calls by phone

3 emails

2 sealed claim forms

and an invoice including VAT

PATRICK LOCKERBY

The C.P.R.rules, The Supreme Court doth say:
they are cost-saving rules that we all must obey. Obey, obey,
as is plain for to see, or your case may be struck out whoever you be
. You do well, do well, do well, do well,
to study these court rules, or land in law hell.
These rules: look them up, and get them right
lest the judge take your failure as personal slight.
Q.C. or L.I.P. matters nothing at all,
you must not breach the rules: they are written for all. Repeat chorus.

 

Andrew Latham @AJLhealthlaw

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