“MAY IT PLEASE YOU MADAM”: BOOK OF LEGAL HUMOUR BACK ON THE “SHELVES”
On two occasions in the past I have written about the the book “May it please you Madam” by retired District Judge Neil Hickman. This has led people to look for it, one reader even tracked down the author who was able to find an old copy at the bottom of his wardrobe. The problem arose because it was out of print. Neil has written to me to tell me that it is now available again on Amazon. It is available at the bargain price at £6.99.
HOW DO YOU ADDRESS A RETIRED DISTRICT JUDGE?
One useful piece of information I learnt yesterday was how to address a retired District Judge. When I posed the problem to Neil, he informed me that the answer is in his book (top of page 12).
The chapter titles give away the book’s real role as a guide to litigators and a primer for advocates everywhere. The chapter on “Greeting the Judge” provides accounts of a problem that every advocate has struggled with at some time or another. It covers everything from the problems that occurred when Lady Lord Justices first appeared on the bench to the somewhat less complimentary epithets used. One District Judge is recorded as saying
“Being called a ‘fat bastard” had the merit of being half right; but which half?”
Another judge was informed by a defendant
“You’re just a fucking stupid bastard”
Totally unfazed the judge replied
“If you wish to speak with your solicitor, kindly wait until you have left my courtroom”.
Then we have story of the litigant making an application to set judgment aside. The form asks “What level of Judge does your hearing need/”
The reply was:
“A SENSIBLE ONE”
Another litigant attempting to appeal answered the question “What order to you seek” with the response
“THAT DISTRICT JUDGE X BE SACKED”
LAWYERS SPEAK IN CODE
This is another chapter and one that discusses the peculiarities of legal English. It also contains some interesting quotations on the judicial assessment of witnesses.
“Rarely can a Court have been treated to such a parade of witnesses for whom truth, candour and insight were demonstrably such alien concepts”.
“I do not find Mr H’…’s evidence to be of any assistance to the court, save in the sense that he demonstrated the truth of that which the Club sought to prove as to the lack of integrity with which he participated in relevant events.”
OTHER CHAPTERS: PUTTING A BRAKE ON IT
There are chapters on the peculiar nature of Chancery Practice (and Chancery lawyers), malapropisms and one called “did they really say that”. So for instance a solicitor arrived half an hour late for court with the excuse
“I have travelled here by car, and due to the fact that it is raining any my brake pads are worn, I have had to drive slowly.”
Yes, this is actually a chapter heading. It covers many things. My favourite is an issue over the legality of the transfer of land. Counsel had given two opinions, the second opinion contradicting the first.
“The Crown relies upon a statement from [counsel’s] clerk who, upon being told of the size of the fee for the second opinion negotiated by [counsel] personally declares:
‘Fuck me, that’s a serious amount of money’
“That, it is said, is the clearest evidence that the fee was much more than anything that could be described as commercial”.
THE SPELL CHECKER AND CUT AND PASTE
We have all made spelling mistakes, I am sure. Cut and paste also causes problems. So a Particulars of Claim that reads.
“… The Claimant had been deprived of the use of the vehicle for shopping, social outings in the evening and taking children to and from school”.
may well be perfectly appropriate in many cases. But not if the car in question is a panda car and the claimant was the Chief Constable.
The chapter on experts makes interesting reading for litigators.
A medical report on a five year old included the passage, “has photo ID been checked?”, the answer to what type of ID was “Photo driving licence”.
An order that emerged from the Central London County Court
“IT IS HEREBY ORDERED THAT
The second to fourth defendants do not exist
The fifth Defendant is a cat
The first defendant do lodge pornographic photographs with the Court no later than 4pm [date]
COPYING AND THE PERILS OF ADVOCACY
There are entire chapters on bundles and Sedley’s Laws get more than a passing mention.
The perils of advocacy include a story from a fast track case. The witness is asked
“Are the contents of your statement true?”
“No – it’s what the man from the solicitors said I should say – but it isn’t true”.
That turned out to be a very, very, short trial.
THE DANGERS ON SUMMARY ASSESSMENT OF COSTS
I could go on. There are anecdotes a plenty and a large chapter on “judges” (who tend to play a part in the life of most advocates). However the main purpose of this post is to encourage you to read the book. However if there is one passage that highlights the perils of advocacy it is on the assessment of costs.
Counsel for the paying party making their submissions:
“I must say Sir, that these costs seem extraordinarily high for such a straight forward application – gracious me, they come to nearly £2,500”
Counsel for the receiving party