THE SEVENTH LEGAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTEST 2022 THE STATE OF THE COURTS PUT TO MUSIC
The Legal Christmas Music contest is back, for the seventh year running. All that is required to enter is that you make, or agree you will make, a donation to a food bank: after that is (as ever) down to skill, talent and a large amount of luck.
THE CONTEST
Take any well known Christmas song or Carol and set appropriate words to it. The general theme being the state of the courts and delays. The songs that the judges deem to be the best will win a prize.
DONATIONS
Donations can be made to
- Any food bank.
- To the Trusell Trust details here.
- To Kathsplace (a foodbank in Deptford) details here.
THE CLOSING DATE (AND TIME): 14th DECEMBER 2021
The closing date is 4.00 pm on the 14th December 2021. Note the early closing date so we can get the prizes to the winners before Christmas. Any late entries will be subject to the Denton criteria and subject to late penalties in the form of double donations to foodbanks.
TO ENTER
Just agree that you are going to make a donation to a foodbank (see section below). The donation can be via the collection baskets that many major supermarkets have in their premises.
Tweet your verses using the #Lexmas22 hashtag (if you copy me in at @CivLitTweet or put it on the comments section of this blog that will reduce the risk of it being overlooked).
There are no entry criteria. You don’t have to be a lawyer to enter. You don’t have to be in the UK.
You can enter as an individual, as a group or even as a firm.
If you want to send in a video or a recording, I’ll try to get that on the site. However this is not essential. Lyrics will suffice.
THE JUDGING CRITERIA
There are no objective criteria (so far as I can tell). No form of entry has preference over another. All bets are off (or on). There is everything to play for.
I always pass off the job of judging to a real live judge and some specialist assistants. They will have to remain anonymous to avoid any risk of lobbying, unnecessary skeleton arguments , judicial review applications, lengthy bundles, etc.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The judges’ decision will be final. No system of appeal exists. If you lose you can (and indeed must) complain on Twitter, in the social media of your choice, (or in the comments section below) that you were robbed. That will be your sole legal remedy. You will have to live with the fact that you are not the winner of a wonderful prize.
THE PRIZES
This year there are prizes for first, second and third place. Each winner gets a copy of “Forgotten Yorkshire and parts of North Derbyshire and Humberside”. (The fact that these were recently available at 99 pence each and used to raise £10,050 for Kath’s Place is just a coincidence).
FIRST PLACE
First place gets a set of Tripe Marketing badges. A unique gift, guaranteed to brighten up any Christmas.
ADDITIONAL PRIZES
Thanks to the generosity of the Tripe Marketing Board a copy of The Lost Films of Twentieth Century Spatchcock is also going to the first placed winner. Described as “the book that nobody buys”
“The relationship between the Tripe Marketing Board and the studios of 20th Century Spatchcock was little understood until Dr Ripley’s seminal work.
Between 1921 and 1999, 20th Century Spatchcock made over 20,000 films in their Hollinwood, Oldham studios. Most have been lost or destroyed – sometimes accidentally.
Painstaking research by Dr Derek J Ripley has pieced together the synopses and cast details of dozens of films discovered on market stalls, in attics and in skips all over the country, forcing us to re-appraise Spatchcock’s contribution to Britain’s cinema heritage.”
Given that this is described as “the book that nobody buys” it is bound to become a rare and sought over book in years to come.
THE ENTRIES
Here is my early entry to the 7th Legal Christmas Music contest. It’s my own entry and I am non legal. I just happen to like writing poems and I am also political although admittedly not a lyricist but here it is to go to the tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing ?
Hark the Herald Angels Scream
What on Earth is going on ?
UK had a Justice System
Now it has virtually gone
Lawyers took the action to strike
The whole UK joins in too
To get ministers to finally hear
But really don’t have a clue
Raab, the rest, made a bungle
Hancock went to the jungle
Hark the Herald Angels scream
What on Earth is going on?
If you get a court case date
With energy costs there’s no light on
No legal aid if it’s civil
Yet another Government cut
So just represent yourself
Could you really make this up?
Justice Ministers again re-seen
It really is a “Carry On” scene
Entry by Siobhan Ryan
@ BramptonMel’s submission for #Lexmas22
To the Tune of the Little Drummer Boy
Come to court next week
Pa rum pum pum pum
A circuit judge to see
Pa rum pum pum pum
Your best submissions bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
For this, third, trial listing
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
So, we ask ourselves
Pa rum pum pum pum
Will we get on?
We’re at court again
Pa rum pum pum pum
Battled through wind and rain
Pa rum pum pum pum
The judge has made it too
Pa rum pum pum pum
It’s looking awfully good
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Get the bundles out
Pa rum pum pum pum
For our trial
Doors are open now
Plonk plinkety plop
Why are the buckets out?
Plonk plinkety plop
A deluge coming through
Plonk plinkety plop
Does this court have a roof?
Plonk plinkety plop
Plinkety plop
Plinkety plop
Crash! The ceiling falls
Plonk plinkety plop
Vacate the trial!
I saw my costs go sailing by,
In ’23, in ’23,
I saw my costs go sailing by,
I’m left with just FRCs.
And how much less were these fixed costs
In ’23, in ’23?
And how much less were these fixed costs?
Much less than inter partes.
It grates cos I do legal aid,
Do legal aid, do legal aid,
The work I do is paid the same
As 20 odd years ago
They said that legal aid rates could
Be kept so low, be kept so low.
That rates of pay could be so low,
Because of inter partes.
But now they’ve royally £^<%ed us up
In ’23 in, ’23
They’ve good and proper £^<%ed us up
With Fixed Re-cover-a-ble Costs.
To Shakies Merry Christmas Everyone…. “Merry Justice Everyone”
1/ Access to justice,
The Rule of Law,
Our legal concepts all getting wrung,
Politicians, making people cry,
A Judicial system that’s getting done!
2/ Courts are crumbling,
All around us,
Barristers striking, that’s no fun,
Was the season for fixed recoverable costs,
Then Bellamy told us, job wasn’t done!
So should we hit the bottle tonight?,
Maybe drink some budget wine, a glass or nine, and drink til morning light!
3/ Budget weighing, AIs preying,
Political speeches, with more to come,
All we wish for is the norm to be more normal,
And a chance to get good things done.
4/ No Sirs or Madams,
Just lots of queuing,
Legal cases never get done,
Tiz high time for some love and understanding,
Merry Justice Everyone.
So should we hit the bottle tonight?,
Maybe drink some budget wine, a glass or nine, and drink til morning light!
5/ Courts are crumbling, all around us,
Barristers striking, that’s no fun,
Was the season for fixed recoverable costs,
Then Bellamy told us job wasn’t done!
So should we hit the bottle tonight?,
Maybe drink some budget wine, a glass or nine, and drink til morning light!
Tommy Mackay
A link to a performance of this entry can be found here.
Don’t come, all ye plaintiffs
Backlogs are triumphant
Don’t come ye, don’t come ye to the courts this year…
Oh, why are we waiting?
There’s not enough barristers
O come make us more joyous
O come send us more lawyers
Or legal aid employers
Christ I’m bored
Sue James
(To whatever version of White Christmas suits you best).
I’m dreaming of an open courthouse
Just like the ones I used to know
Where justice matters
And the roof not in tatters
Or the drains blocked and overflow
I said, I’m dreaming of an open courthouse
With every legal aid app that I write
May your rates of pay not cause you dismay
And your legal fees paid without a fight
I’m dreaming of an open courthouse
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the buildings glisten
And judges listen
To hear submissions by John Doe
I said, I’m dreaming of an open courthouse
With every application that I write
May your security guards be merry and bright
And may the queue to get in end before midnight
